Transcript of the news reported on the The Sun, an hour ago

After a series of violent raids by the police in Hardap on balloons and water, the Commander in Chief of the Namibian Defence Force, Hage Geingob, has decided to intervene.

“What in the name of tha good lord is going down in HARDAP? We are sending military forces into tha region to enforce peace. All citizens will be placed in indefinte curfew effective as of today, and animals that dare move out of their conservancies will be shot on sight. This is necessary action considering the gross incompetence of all the regional leaders in handling the wildlife crisis.”

As the chaos dies down under harsh military intervention, Hardap can hear the drums echoing tonight, as the military blast various songs on their journey down to Hardap. The lyrics of Toto - Africa echo across the serengeti.

A piece of good news, however is that the rains have begun falling in Hardap, bringing the water level in the Hardap reservoir to pre-drought levels.

“There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa, but it’s gonna take some time to do the things we never had”, said Nami Vivian, a resident in Hardap. She, like many others are pleased with the intervention by the federal government.

Tourism has declined significantly in the region, with foreigners staying away for fear of having their birthday parties being shot up and the threat of dangerous wildlife. As a whole, Hardap has suffered greatly from the drought.

HARDAP has been the site of greatest animal related defeat the human race has ever experienced since the Emu War of 1932.